I'm Baaaaaaaccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkk. yes, I am. I post most of my main blogs on www.kevinnumerick.com though. I'll try to remember to throw up most of the blogs here as well, but check out my actual website, it has my blog, and will soon include more of my writing and art!
Bout time I got my head out of my BEEEP, wouldn't you say? I knew you would agree.
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
A Trip to Nowhere
I stand beneath the tree tops, the rain trickling down, cracking as it hits the leaves. My hair is matted across my
face, eyes closed, facing up toward the sky so that the mist covers me. It feels so good. It's been raining gently
the last few days. I have made my way outside for this same effect every chance I have had. It is cleansing,
relaxing, the rain, the calming breeze, the sway of the tree branches, the almost, but not completely silent, sound of people walking by. There's a peace in it all. Whether you wish to see it or not is up to you. I envision many things, most people do not see them, which is why they are visions, not reality. Often, there are things I dream of that I wish others could see, which is why I write. I write...so that others can see the visions of my mind. Is that so strange? I have this idea, this beautiful idea that fills my mind to the point where it can no longer be contained within the simple boundaries of my thoughts. I must put the pen to the paper, much like a brush to canvas to paint, and push it out, covering my "canvas" with words. Words that describe the finest details I can see, the worlds as I feel it, breath it, endor it. There are many things that I have put myself through in life that have given me a unique perspective. I say unique because I find less people that see things as I do than I do that agree.
I do find plenty that are open minded enough to at least be able to see my point. This has nothing to do with
writing, but more to do with life. I ramble a lot, I have noticed. Just think, though, there is no room for judgement onto others in our life, it's too simple, too free to place the ropes of own restrictions onto them. Who am I to say you can or cannot be the way you are. Unless... of course, I am causing some sort of true conflict that endangers your well being, or you to mine. Then there is a problem. Does not everyone have the same right to live, without cause of danger, whether physical or mental? If only the world were that way. If only. But, it's not. This is reality. A shame, in many cases, I wish that people would remove their glasses and allow people to be free. Truly free, where it does not matter what your ethnic background is, what your prefered sexual taste may be, what color you bleed or any other ridiculous reason people come up with to hate someone. Remove the ignorance from your mind, understand others as they should understand you, feel the freedom overtake your soul, bless yourself with knowledge, equality. Take a moment, breathe, consider the possibilities the truth may bring. A truth so pure that it cannot be denied. Does it exist? I have no idea. I'd like to think so, but then again, I am full of ideas, most, no one understands. I have come to accept this. Sometimes, I try to explain my thoughts to others, my philosphy, but it seems that though it is so simple in my mind, the concept is extremly difficult to grasp. I believe it comes from the social standards in which we have been raised, however. If you were given a chance to face your fears, to defeat them all, one by one, one step at a time, would you take it? You can. It's you that holds that power. It's you that can push through those limitations that you unknowingly have placed upon yourself. It is you that must make the choice to defeat your own demons. One step at a time. What a thought, wouldn't you say? I would.. and I just did.
What do you think?
face, eyes closed, facing up toward the sky so that the mist covers me. It feels so good. It's been raining gently
the last few days. I have made my way outside for this same effect every chance I have had. It is cleansing,
relaxing, the rain, the calming breeze, the sway of the tree branches, the almost, but not completely silent, sound of people walking by. There's a peace in it all. Whether you wish to see it or not is up to you. I envision many things, most people do not see them, which is why they are visions, not reality. Often, there are things I dream of that I wish others could see, which is why I write. I write...so that others can see the visions of my mind. Is that so strange? I have this idea, this beautiful idea that fills my mind to the point where it can no longer be contained within the simple boundaries of my thoughts. I must put the pen to the paper, much like a brush to canvas to paint, and push it out, covering my "canvas" with words. Words that describe the finest details I can see, the worlds as I feel it, breath it, endor it. There are many things that I have put myself through in life that have given me a unique perspective. I say unique because I find less people that see things as I do than I do that agree.
I do find plenty that are open minded enough to at least be able to see my point. This has nothing to do with
writing, but more to do with life. I ramble a lot, I have noticed. Just think, though, there is no room for judgement onto others in our life, it's too simple, too free to place the ropes of own restrictions onto them. Who am I to say you can or cannot be the way you are. Unless... of course, I am causing some sort of true conflict that endangers your well being, or you to mine. Then there is a problem. Does not everyone have the same right to live, without cause of danger, whether physical or mental? If only the world were that way. If only. But, it's not. This is reality. A shame, in many cases, I wish that people would remove their glasses and allow people to be free. Truly free, where it does not matter what your ethnic background is, what your prefered sexual taste may be, what color you bleed or any other ridiculous reason people come up with to hate someone. Remove the ignorance from your mind, understand others as they should understand you, feel the freedom overtake your soul, bless yourself with knowledge, equality. Take a moment, breathe, consider the possibilities the truth may bring. A truth so pure that it cannot be denied. Does it exist? I have no idea. I'd like to think so, but then again, I am full of ideas, most, no one understands. I have come to accept this. Sometimes, I try to explain my thoughts to others, my philosphy, but it seems that though it is so simple in my mind, the concept is extremly difficult to grasp. I believe it comes from the social standards in which we have been raised, however. If you were given a chance to face your fears, to defeat them all, one by one, one step at a time, would you take it? You can. It's you that holds that power. It's you that can push through those limitations that you unknowingly have placed upon yourself. It is you that must make the choice to defeat your own demons. One step at a time. What a thought, wouldn't you say? I would.. and I just did.
What do you think?
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Eyes closed with whispering lips
Current mood: calm
I close my eyes and I see you. I miss you so much that my mind cannot stop wandering into the dreams I constantly have of us being together. Our lives finally joining together. Yet, for all I know it may never happen. Tears stroll down my face, both in happiness and sadness. Happy that I am blessed to have you in my life, filling my heart with so much joy, but sad that I am not with you, by your side, where I hope to eventually be. I do not know where we will be tomorrow, but I so desperatly want even a little time with you. Just a moment where our worlds can unite and we spin in on each other, laughing and in love, holding each other, just us, just for that moment. Our hearts beat together, we smile, and we stare into each others souls.
I miss you so much. I love you so much. I sleep at night, imagining myself with you, as lovers would lay, sleeping calmly in each others arms. A dream, yet so true, a piece of my reality that may pass. One can hope. One can wish, one can pray, even if they are not religious. One can focus all of the energy within himself on a single moment, for just the chance, that perfect timing that everything will come together, and you, and you... and I will become us, again, our souls finally join together, pressing each other and dancing like long lost friends who know each other with such a deep understanding that nothing else matters.
One can dream. Tomorrow, tomorrow...things may change, but within the dream, the fantasy world, you will always be there, and if all should go as planned, you will be in the real too.
Until that day, however, I shall keep stepping in that right direction, building myself, preparing for that day, a day of beauty, where love and passion collide into an amazing array of energy, spreading its velupcious wings through the heavens. And it will be You who is She, and I, and we will be Us.
I close my eyes and I see you. I miss you so much that my mind cannot stop wandering into the dreams I constantly have of us being together. Our lives finally joining together. Yet, for all I know it may never happen. Tears stroll down my face, both in happiness and sadness. Happy that I am blessed to have you in my life, filling my heart with so much joy, but sad that I am not with you, by your side, where I hope to eventually be. I do not know where we will be tomorrow, but I so desperatly want even a little time with you. Just a moment where our worlds can unite and we spin in on each other, laughing and in love, holding each other, just us, just for that moment. Our hearts beat together, we smile, and we stare into each others souls.
I miss you so much. I love you so much. I sleep at night, imagining myself with you, as lovers would lay, sleeping calmly in each others arms. A dream, yet so true, a piece of my reality that may pass. One can hope. One can wish, one can pray, even if they are not religious. One can focus all of the energy within himself on a single moment, for just the chance, that perfect timing that everything will come together, and you, and you... and I will become us, again, our souls finally join together, pressing each other and dancing like long lost friends who know each other with such a deep understanding that nothing else matters.
One can dream. Tomorrow, tomorrow...things may change, but within the dream, the fantasy world, you will always be there, and if all should go as planned, you will be in the real too.
Until that day, however, I shall keep stepping in that right direction, building myself, preparing for that day, a day of beauty, where love and passion collide into an amazing array of energy, spreading its velupcious wings through the heavens. And it will be You who is She, and I, and we will be Us.
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
Swift Travel
So I am moving. Yep. I am finally getting away from the small town and going down state to a slightly larger city. One of at least noticable size. I will miss the bay and the rolling hills of green trees blowing in the wind, but I can always come back here if I want to. I am pretty excited, I got a new job that I think is going to be a good first step in a new direction, which i have been wanting to do for awhile. I move friday.
I have been feeling a bit lonely lately though. Mostly because I have not spoken to my girlfriend much and I am not sure what is going on. Last I heard she was doing okay but still sickly, so I can only hope that she is getting better and that I will hear from her soon. I was hoping to talk to her before I moved, but I am not sure if I will get to. One can always hope. :)
I need to start packing some more, and it's getting late, so I am off!
I have been feeling a bit lonely lately though. Mostly because I have not spoken to my girlfriend much and I am not sure what is going on. Last I heard she was doing okay but still sickly, so I can only hope that she is getting better and that I will hear from her soon. I was hoping to talk to her before I moved, but I am not sure if I will get to. One can always hope. :)
I need to start packing some more, and it's getting late, so I am off!
Friday, August 31, 2007
Todays
Current mood: calm
it's interesting how things change from day to day. The conversation with my friend was good and all is well now. We discussed many things and have become better friends because of it. On another note, another friend, an ex-from oh a bit ago, if you back track a bit in the archives you will find the one in which I speak of, confinded in me something I doubt she has told many people. I will not be so rude to blabber about it here either, but it was interesting. All of it is interesting, is it not? Things we do not know, think we know that are not true, the secrets we keep from each other. What's the point? I don't know. Then again, there are so many things I do not know, how can I ever be sure I actually know anything? Hmmm...
Have you ever met someone that you could tell was just plain evil? There soul was drained of the very substance of what actual love is, and they do whatever they can to destroy any bit of happiness around them because that is all they know? Me niether... but I have a very strong inclination that I will be in the next few years. Tis a bit bothersome, but I have heard stories of such a person, perhaps I should say being because I have a hard time grasping that something like that is completely human. A shroud of darkness following them around like some poisonous cloud, and here... I am told by some of my most trusted friends that trying to resist is pointless because it cannot be done. At least, no one has ever done it. But... as the saying goes... there is a first time for evertyhing. We'll see what happens. Silly dreams, and such things of the mind.
I've begun looking for a new job again. The one I got that I was so excited about has turned out to not be giving me a whole lot of hours, which means I can't even pay my bills, which obviously is putting me in a bit of a jam, which is not good. Not good is bad, which none of us want, right? Well okay then, you get the situation. Let alone my class is actually hard this time, so I have to focus on that and try to get my head on straight.
There could be worse things going on though. I will just stay thankful for what I do have, happy with what I am going for, and smile because I do have friends and loved ones who are there for me. Prayers prepared, the road ahead will not be easy, but alas... it must be done... again.
it's interesting how things change from day to day. The conversation with my friend was good and all is well now. We discussed many things and have become better friends because of it. On another note, another friend, an ex-from oh a bit ago, if you back track a bit in the archives you will find the one in which I speak of, confinded in me something I doubt she has told many people. I will not be so rude to blabber about it here either, but it was interesting. All of it is interesting, is it not? Things we do not know, think we know that are not true, the secrets we keep from each other. What's the point? I don't know. Then again, there are so many things I do not know, how can I ever be sure I actually know anything? Hmmm...
Have you ever met someone that you could tell was just plain evil? There soul was drained of the very substance of what actual love is, and they do whatever they can to destroy any bit of happiness around them because that is all they know? Me niether... but I have a very strong inclination that I will be in the next few years. Tis a bit bothersome, but I have heard stories of such a person, perhaps I should say being because I have a hard time grasping that something like that is completely human. A shroud of darkness following them around like some poisonous cloud, and here... I am told by some of my most trusted friends that trying to resist is pointless because it cannot be done. At least, no one has ever done it. But... as the saying goes... there is a first time for evertyhing. We'll see what happens. Silly dreams, and such things of the mind.
I've begun looking for a new job again. The one I got that I was so excited about has turned out to not be giving me a whole lot of hours, which means I can't even pay my bills, which obviously is putting me in a bit of a jam, which is not good. Not good is bad, which none of us want, right? Well okay then, you get the situation. Let alone my class is actually hard this time, so I have to focus on that and try to get my head on straight.
There could be worse things going on though. I will just stay thankful for what I do have, happy with what I am going for, and smile because I do have friends and loved ones who are there for me. Prayers prepared, the road ahead will not be easy, but alas... it must be done... again.
Saturday, August 25, 2007
The Tides Of A Lonely Warrior
Current mood: calm
The sun warms my skin and a very gentle breeze blows across me, making my hair wisp back and forth slightly as the sounds of the russeling leaves fill my ears. In that, I do find a calm, a peace. It's a place that I can think a little more clearly, try to regain some focus that I have lost in the last month or so. I have. Everything seems so far away again and I became really stressed. I miss my girlfriend, we have not spoken much in the last few weeks, for whatever reasons, but I hope she is feeling better.
After my last post, venting about my friend who made me mad, I decided to speak to him again. I did not feel it was right to just throw him out of my life without at least telling him what, why, and all that. I talked to him earlier today, just enough to say we needed to talk and that I had some stuff to say he may not want to hear. He will be coming here in a bit so that I can tell him face to face and discuss it. we'll see what happens.
I have an editor finally. We'll see what comes of my writing now, hehe. I'm excited for her opinions and suggestions though, I think she will be helpful.
I did finish Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, too. It was quite good. I would suggest it to anyone who likes the series, though I am sure anyone who likes the series has already read it, or plans to. hehe. She did very well with it though, I was not disappointed.
I'm going to head back outside and enjoy the warmth of the sun for a bit longer and listen to the whispers of the wind, though I never understand what it says, hehe :)
The sun warms my skin and a very gentle breeze blows across me, making my hair wisp back and forth slightly as the sounds of the russeling leaves fill my ears. In that, I do find a calm, a peace. It's a place that I can think a little more clearly, try to regain some focus that I have lost in the last month or so. I have. Everything seems so far away again and I became really stressed. I miss my girlfriend, we have not spoken much in the last few weeks, for whatever reasons, but I hope she is feeling better.
After my last post, venting about my friend who made me mad, I decided to speak to him again. I did not feel it was right to just throw him out of my life without at least telling him what, why, and all that. I talked to him earlier today, just enough to say we needed to talk and that I had some stuff to say he may not want to hear. He will be coming here in a bit so that I can tell him face to face and discuss it. we'll see what happens.
I have an editor finally. We'll see what comes of my writing now, hehe. I'm excited for her opinions and suggestions though, I think she will be helpful.
I did finish Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, too. It was quite good. I would suggest it to anyone who likes the series, though I am sure anyone who likes the series has already read it, or plans to. hehe. She did very well with it though, I was not disappointed.
I'm going to head back outside and enjoy the warmth of the sun for a bit longer and listen to the whispers of the wind, though I never understand what it says, hehe :)
Monday, August 13, 2007
Take a Cookie
Current mood: aggravated
Yesterday was an interesting day. I was not looking forward to the first part of it as I was going to a family picnic, which is to say, it's basically a family reunion. However, within this usually unhappy time for myself I found myself a little bit happier than expected and more than I have been lately. It has been a long while since I have been around so many family members and did not feel out of place or embarrassed. I know that sounds terrible, but for a long time I distanced myself from them for my own personal reasons, which I now realize was rather silly. I realized... they are people, just like me, like you, like everyone else I know and they all have their stories and their memories and it is all very interesting. I walk this part of life and was thankful for them in my life for the first time in as far as I can remember. It was good to see them, truly.
Oddly enough, the part I was looking forward to I did not find as much gratification in. I was meeting up with some 'friends' to have a bonfire like we used to do back in the day and I was pretty excited. I was waiting impatiently for them to eventually show up and they did finally. It had been about a year since I saw them, so I was sure it would be a good time. Anyway, we got the fire started and started talking a little chit chat here and there. One of them asked about my new job so I started talking about that, and then one way or another I started talking about my daughter and he made some sly comment about "Oh so we got the paperwork done and we know she is yours then?" I didn't laugh. I have been down that road with him so many times now and I would have expected after a year that he would accept it as the truth, but apparently I was wrong. I simply replied, "I have no reason to doubt it," and I moved on with the conversation even though it pissed me off. I've come to expect these types of things from him, so it was not a huge surprise, though still a bit disappointing.
From there, or maybe it was before this, I don't recall exactly, but I started talking about my current girlfriend and I told them that she had cancer and may not be around much longer. The same one from before laughed and said, "Boy you sure know how to pick them." This is where I envisioned myself stepping across the fire and punching him square in the face and then told him to get the fuck out of my yard. I didn't though. It took a lot for me to hold myself back, I was completely offended and appauled. I relapsed into thinking, "Did he just laugh and make a joke out of my girlfriend possibly dying?" I was then really pissed. REALLY pissed. How tacky, how rude, how...I don't know, but it showed me that they really do not care about my life and what is important to me. At least he doesn't. None, zero, zilch, nada. Now maybe it is because he hasn't had a girlfriend in so long that he has desensitzed himself from what it might be like, I don't really know. I think it was good for me to sit there and listen to them talk, listen to their troubles and the stuff they have been going through the last 6 months to a year, and normally I wouldn't have a problem with that, but for once, I needed a friend, I needed someone to listen and instead I got sarcasm and sly remarks and it was so clear that they, or he, did not care.
So, I sit here today, pretty upset, shocked, hurt, angry... furious that this happened. I'm really not so sure that I can call this person friend anymore. Not like this, not after that. And for anyone, ANYONE who thinks this is funny, you can take the handle of a plunger and go sit on it.
So there's your cookie.
Yesterday was an interesting day. I was not looking forward to the first part of it as I was going to a family picnic, which is to say, it's basically a family reunion. However, within this usually unhappy time for myself I found myself a little bit happier than expected and more than I have been lately. It has been a long while since I have been around so many family members and did not feel out of place or embarrassed. I know that sounds terrible, but for a long time I distanced myself from them for my own personal reasons, which I now realize was rather silly. I realized... they are people, just like me, like you, like everyone else I know and they all have their stories and their memories and it is all very interesting. I walk this part of life and was thankful for them in my life for the first time in as far as I can remember. It was good to see them, truly.
Oddly enough, the part I was looking forward to I did not find as much gratification in. I was meeting up with some 'friends' to have a bonfire like we used to do back in the day and I was pretty excited. I was waiting impatiently for them to eventually show up and they did finally. It had been about a year since I saw them, so I was sure it would be a good time. Anyway, we got the fire started and started talking a little chit chat here and there. One of them asked about my new job so I started talking about that, and then one way or another I started talking about my daughter and he made some sly comment about "Oh so we got the paperwork done and we know she is yours then?" I didn't laugh. I have been down that road with him so many times now and I would have expected after a year that he would accept it as the truth, but apparently I was wrong. I simply replied, "I have no reason to doubt it," and I moved on with the conversation even though it pissed me off. I've come to expect these types of things from him, so it was not a huge surprise, though still a bit disappointing.
From there, or maybe it was before this, I don't recall exactly, but I started talking about my current girlfriend and I told them that she had cancer and may not be around much longer. The same one from before laughed and said, "Boy you sure know how to pick them." This is where I envisioned myself stepping across the fire and punching him square in the face and then told him to get the fuck out of my yard. I didn't though. It took a lot for me to hold myself back, I was completely offended and appauled. I relapsed into thinking, "Did he just laugh and make a joke out of my girlfriend possibly dying?" I was then really pissed. REALLY pissed. How tacky, how rude, how...I don't know, but it showed me that they really do not care about my life and what is important to me. At least he doesn't. None, zero, zilch, nada. Now maybe it is because he hasn't had a girlfriend in so long that he has desensitzed himself from what it might be like, I don't really know. I think it was good for me to sit there and listen to them talk, listen to their troubles and the stuff they have been going through the last 6 months to a year, and normally I wouldn't have a problem with that, but for once, I needed a friend, I needed someone to listen and instead I got sarcasm and sly remarks and it was so clear that they, or he, did not care.
So, I sit here today, pretty upset, shocked, hurt, angry... furious that this happened. I'm really not so sure that I can call this person friend anymore. Not like this, not after that. And for anyone, ANYONE who thinks this is funny, you can take the handle of a plunger and go sit on it.
So there's your cookie.
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