Current mood: calm
it's interesting how things change from day to day. The conversation with my friend was good and all is well now. We discussed many things and have become better friends because of it. On another note, another friend, an ex-from oh a bit ago, if you back track a bit in the archives you will find the one in which I speak of, confinded in me something I doubt she has told many people. I will not be so rude to blabber about it here either, but it was interesting. All of it is interesting, is it not? Things we do not know, think we know that are not true, the secrets we keep from each other. What's the point? I don't know. Then again, there are so many things I do not know, how can I ever be sure I actually know anything? Hmmm...
Have you ever met someone that you could tell was just plain evil? There soul was drained of the very substance of what actual love is, and they do whatever they can to destroy any bit of happiness around them because that is all they know? Me niether... but I have a very strong inclination that I will be in the next few years. Tis a bit bothersome, but I have heard stories of such a person, perhaps I should say being because I have a hard time grasping that something like that is completely human. A shroud of darkness following them around like some poisonous cloud, and here... I am told by some of my most trusted friends that trying to resist is pointless because it cannot be done. At least, no one has ever done it. But... as the saying goes... there is a first time for evertyhing. We'll see what happens. Silly dreams, and such things of the mind.
I've begun looking for a new job again. The one I got that I was so excited about has turned out to not be giving me a whole lot of hours, which means I can't even pay my bills, which obviously is putting me in a bit of a jam, which is not good. Not good is bad, which none of us want, right? Well okay then, you get the situation. Let alone my class is actually hard this time, so I have to focus on that and try to get my head on straight.
There could be worse things going on though. I will just stay thankful for what I do have, happy with what I am going for, and smile because I do have friends and loved ones who are there for me. Prayers prepared, the road ahead will not be easy, but alas... it must be done... again.
Friday, August 31, 2007
Saturday, August 25, 2007
The Tides Of A Lonely Warrior
Current mood: calm
The sun warms my skin and a very gentle breeze blows across me, making my hair wisp back and forth slightly as the sounds of the russeling leaves fill my ears. In that, I do find a calm, a peace. It's a place that I can think a little more clearly, try to regain some focus that I have lost in the last month or so. I have. Everything seems so far away again and I became really stressed. I miss my girlfriend, we have not spoken much in the last few weeks, for whatever reasons, but I hope she is feeling better.
After my last post, venting about my friend who made me mad, I decided to speak to him again. I did not feel it was right to just throw him out of my life without at least telling him what, why, and all that. I talked to him earlier today, just enough to say we needed to talk and that I had some stuff to say he may not want to hear. He will be coming here in a bit so that I can tell him face to face and discuss it. we'll see what happens.
I have an editor finally. We'll see what comes of my writing now, hehe. I'm excited for her opinions and suggestions though, I think she will be helpful.
I did finish Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, too. It was quite good. I would suggest it to anyone who likes the series, though I am sure anyone who likes the series has already read it, or plans to. hehe. She did very well with it though, I was not disappointed.
I'm going to head back outside and enjoy the warmth of the sun for a bit longer and listen to the whispers of the wind, though I never understand what it says, hehe :)
The sun warms my skin and a very gentle breeze blows across me, making my hair wisp back and forth slightly as the sounds of the russeling leaves fill my ears. In that, I do find a calm, a peace. It's a place that I can think a little more clearly, try to regain some focus that I have lost in the last month or so. I have. Everything seems so far away again and I became really stressed. I miss my girlfriend, we have not spoken much in the last few weeks, for whatever reasons, but I hope she is feeling better.
After my last post, venting about my friend who made me mad, I decided to speak to him again. I did not feel it was right to just throw him out of my life without at least telling him what, why, and all that. I talked to him earlier today, just enough to say we needed to talk and that I had some stuff to say he may not want to hear. He will be coming here in a bit so that I can tell him face to face and discuss it. we'll see what happens.
I have an editor finally. We'll see what comes of my writing now, hehe. I'm excited for her opinions and suggestions though, I think she will be helpful.
I did finish Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, too. It was quite good. I would suggest it to anyone who likes the series, though I am sure anyone who likes the series has already read it, or plans to. hehe. She did very well with it though, I was not disappointed.
I'm going to head back outside and enjoy the warmth of the sun for a bit longer and listen to the whispers of the wind, though I never understand what it says, hehe :)
Monday, August 13, 2007
Take a Cookie
Current mood: aggravated
Yesterday was an interesting day. I was not looking forward to the first part of it as I was going to a family picnic, which is to say, it's basically a family reunion. However, within this usually unhappy time for myself I found myself a little bit happier than expected and more than I have been lately. It has been a long while since I have been around so many family members and did not feel out of place or embarrassed. I know that sounds terrible, but for a long time I distanced myself from them for my own personal reasons, which I now realize was rather silly. I realized... they are people, just like me, like you, like everyone else I know and they all have their stories and their memories and it is all very interesting. I walk this part of life and was thankful for them in my life for the first time in as far as I can remember. It was good to see them, truly.
Oddly enough, the part I was looking forward to I did not find as much gratification in. I was meeting up with some 'friends' to have a bonfire like we used to do back in the day and I was pretty excited. I was waiting impatiently for them to eventually show up and they did finally. It had been about a year since I saw them, so I was sure it would be a good time. Anyway, we got the fire started and started talking a little chit chat here and there. One of them asked about my new job so I started talking about that, and then one way or another I started talking about my daughter and he made some sly comment about "Oh so we got the paperwork done and we know she is yours then?" I didn't laugh. I have been down that road with him so many times now and I would have expected after a year that he would accept it as the truth, but apparently I was wrong. I simply replied, "I have no reason to doubt it," and I moved on with the conversation even though it pissed me off. I've come to expect these types of things from him, so it was not a huge surprise, though still a bit disappointing.
From there, or maybe it was before this, I don't recall exactly, but I started talking about my current girlfriend and I told them that she had cancer and may not be around much longer. The same one from before laughed and said, "Boy you sure know how to pick them." This is where I envisioned myself stepping across the fire and punching him square in the face and then told him to get the fuck out of my yard. I didn't though. It took a lot for me to hold myself back, I was completely offended and appauled. I relapsed into thinking, "Did he just laugh and make a joke out of my girlfriend possibly dying?" I was then really pissed. REALLY pissed. How tacky, how rude, how...I don't know, but it showed me that they really do not care about my life and what is important to me. At least he doesn't. None, zero, zilch, nada. Now maybe it is because he hasn't had a girlfriend in so long that he has desensitzed himself from what it might be like, I don't really know. I think it was good for me to sit there and listen to them talk, listen to their troubles and the stuff they have been going through the last 6 months to a year, and normally I wouldn't have a problem with that, but for once, I needed a friend, I needed someone to listen and instead I got sarcasm and sly remarks and it was so clear that they, or he, did not care.
So, I sit here today, pretty upset, shocked, hurt, angry... furious that this happened. I'm really not so sure that I can call this person friend anymore. Not like this, not after that. And for anyone, ANYONE who thinks this is funny, you can take the handle of a plunger and go sit on it.
So there's your cookie.
Yesterday was an interesting day. I was not looking forward to the first part of it as I was going to a family picnic, which is to say, it's basically a family reunion. However, within this usually unhappy time for myself I found myself a little bit happier than expected and more than I have been lately. It has been a long while since I have been around so many family members and did not feel out of place or embarrassed. I know that sounds terrible, but for a long time I distanced myself from them for my own personal reasons, which I now realize was rather silly. I realized... they are people, just like me, like you, like everyone else I know and they all have their stories and their memories and it is all very interesting. I walk this part of life and was thankful for them in my life for the first time in as far as I can remember. It was good to see them, truly.
Oddly enough, the part I was looking forward to I did not find as much gratification in. I was meeting up with some 'friends' to have a bonfire like we used to do back in the day and I was pretty excited. I was waiting impatiently for them to eventually show up and they did finally. It had been about a year since I saw them, so I was sure it would be a good time. Anyway, we got the fire started and started talking a little chit chat here and there. One of them asked about my new job so I started talking about that, and then one way or another I started talking about my daughter and he made some sly comment about "Oh so we got the paperwork done and we know she is yours then?" I didn't laugh. I have been down that road with him so many times now and I would have expected after a year that he would accept it as the truth, but apparently I was wrong. I simply replied, "I have no reason to doubt it," and I moved on with the conversation even though it pissed me off. I've come to expect these types of things from him, so it was not a huge surprise, though still a bit disappointing.
From there, or maybe it was before this, I don't recall exactly, but I started talking about my current girlfriend and I told them that she had cancer and may not be around much longer. The same one from before laughed and said, "Boy you sure know how to pick them." This is where I envisioned myself stepping across the fire and punching him square in the face and then told him to get the fuck out of my yard. I didn't though. It took a lot for me to hold myself back, I was completely offended and appauled. I relapsed into thinking, "Did he just laugh and make a joke out of my girlfriend possibly dying?" I was then really pissed. REALLY pissed. How tacky, how rude, how...I don't know, but it showed me that they really do not care about my life and what is important to me. At least he doesn't. None, zero, zilch, nada. Now maybe it is because he hasn't had a girlfriend in so long that he has desensitzed himself from what it might be like, I don't really know. I think it was good for me to sit there and listen to them talk, listen to their troubles and the stuff they have been going through the last 6 months to a year, and normally I wouldn't have a problem with that, but for once, I needed a friend, I needed someone to listen and instead I got sarcasm and sly remarks and it was so clear that they, or he, did not care.
So, I sit here today, pretty upset, shocked, hurt, angry... furious that this happened. I'm really not so sure that I can call this person friend anymore. Not like this, not after that. And for anyone, ANYONE who thinks this is funny, you can take the handle of a plunger and go sit on it.
So there's your cookie.
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
9 Months
Current mood: melancholy
I sit here.. eyes watering, my throat tight and parched. She was told she only has nine months left to live in her life. 9 months...less than a year. how do I react? What do I do? What can I do? She is so far away and I cannot even be there for her like she needs me to be. This is beyond hard. My stomach turns in knots thinking about it. I try to hold onto hope, I have to. I love her, can she really be gone forever that soon? My mind spins into so many thoughts of what, why, how... so many things, so much we have not done together yet.
She has kids, too. What will they do? What can they do? It just isn't right. It cannot be. I know they say life isn't fair... but what the hell is this? Not fair is an understatement. I feel so dumb. She told me and I didnt realize she was being serious. How the hell could I think otherwise? Ugh.
I want to go there, be there, pick her up in my arms, hug her, kiss her, tell her how much I love her and let her know that I am there for her. Look into her eyes and show her, whispering it into her ear. And yet... I am too far away to do any of that.
And since I was jobless for about a month I have little to no money at the moment so I can't even get there, yet. I will though. I must. I have to. She needs to me... and I want to be there for her. No matter what the final result will be, it doesn't matter, I love her, so much.
These tears are a mix of emotions... sadness, concern, fear, distress. So much feeling, so many thoughts, so many questions. All I want to do is be there and love her... is that so much to ask? Ugh.
I sit here.. eyes watering, my throat tight and parched. She was told she only has nine months left to live in her life. 9 months...less than a year. how do I react? What do I do? What can I do? She is so far away and I cannot even be there for her like she needs me to be. This is beyond hard. My stomach turns in knots thinking about it. I try to hold onto hope, I have to. I love her, can she really be gone forever that soon? My mind spins into so many thoughts of what, why, how... so many things, so much we have not done together yet.
She has kids, too. What will they do? What can they do? It just isn't right. It cannot be. I know they say life isn't fair... but what the hell is this? Not fair is an understatement. I feel so dumb. She told me and I didnt realize she was being serious. How the hell could I think otherwise? Ugh.
I want to go there, be there, pick her up in my arms, hug her, kiss her, tell her how much I love her and let her know that I am there for her. Look into her eyes and show her, whispering it into her ear. And yet... I am too far away to do any of that.
And since I was jobless for about a month I have little to no money at the moment so I can't even get there, yet. I will though. I must. I have to. She needs to me... and I want to be there for her. No matter what the final result will be, it doesn't matter, I love her, so much.
These tears are a mix of emotions... sadness, concern, fear, distress. So much feeling, so many thoughts, so many questions. All I want to do is be there and love her... is that so much to ask? Ugh.
Thursday, August 2, 2007
Goodie Gumdrops
Current mood: chipper
I thought I'd drop by with a quick hello!
I enjoy my new job, hurray! So far it's been a great starting week, so I am happy. Next week should be interesting because I have to do twice as much as I did this week, but I won't be in training anymore either, well for the most part, so I should be able to do it without many complications. (I hope).
I haven't had much of a chance to read this book still and it is bothering me because I want to finish it. I'll have to find some time I suppose. :)
I will get back to my writing soon. I will be an author yet, I tell you. Well I guess I could technically be called one already (maybe?), but I will be published ! :D
Anyway, I must be off to work again. *vanish*
I thought I'd drop by with a quick hello!
I enjoy my new job, hurray! So far it's been a great starting week, so I am happy. Next week should be interesting because I have to do twice as much as I did this week, but I won't be in training anymore either, well for the most part, so I should be able to do it without many complications. (I hope).
I haven't had much of a chance to read this book still and it is bothering me because I want to finish it. I'll have to find some time I suppose. :)
I will get back to my writing soon. I will be an author yet, I tell you. Well I guess I could technically be called one already (maybe?), but I will be published ! :D
Anyway, I must be off to work again. *vanish*
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
