9 Months

Current mood: melancholy


I sit here.. eyes watering, my throat tight and parched. She was told she only has nine months left to live in her life. 9 months...less than a year. how do I react? What do I do? What can I do? She is so far away and I cannot even be there for her like she needs me to be. This is beyond hard. My stomach turns in knots thinking about it. I try to hold onto hope, I have to. I love her, can she really be gone forever that soon? My mind spins into so many thoughts of what, why, how... so many things, so much we have not done together yet.

She has kids, too. What will they do? What can they do? It just isn't right. It cannot be. I know they say life isn't fair... but what the hell is this? Not fair is an understatement. I feel so dumb. She told me and I didnt realize she was being serious. How the hell could I think otherwise? Ugh.

I want to go there, be there, pick her up in my arms, hug her, kiss her, tell her how much I love her and let her know that I am there for her. Look into her eyes and show her, whispering it into her ear. And yet... I am too far away to do any of that.

And since I was jobless for about a month I have little to no money at the moment so I can't even get there, yet. I will though. I must. I have to. She needs to me... and I want to be there for her. No matter what the final result will be, it doesn't matter, I love her, so much.

These tears are a mix of emotions... sadness, concern, fear, distress. So much feeling, so many thoughts, so many questions. All I want to do is be there and love her... is that so much to ask? Ugh.