I stand beneath the tree tops, the rain trickling down, cracking as it hits the leaves. My hair is matted across my
face, eyes closed, facing up toward the sky so that the mist covers me. It feels so good. It's been raining gently
the last few days. I have made my way outside for this same effect every chance I have had. It is cleansing,
relaxing, the rain, the calming breeze, the sway of the tree branches, the almost, but not completely silent, sound of people walking by. There's a peace in it all. Whether you wish to see it or not is up to you. I envision many things, most people do not see them, which is why they are visions, not reality. Often, there are things I dream of that I wish others could see, which is why I write. I write...so that others can see the visions of my mind. Is that so strange? I have this idea, this beautiful idea that fills my mind to the point where it can no longer be contained within the simple boundaries of my thoughts. I must put the pen to the paper, much like a brush to canvas to paint, and push it out, covering my "canvas" with words. Words that describe the finest details I can see, the worlds as I feel it, breath it, endor it. There are many things that I have put myself through in life that have given me a unique perspective. I say unique because I find less people that see things as I do than I do that agree.
I do find plenty that are open minded enough to at least be able to see my point. This has nothing to do with
writing, but more to do with life. I ramble a lot, I have noticed. Just think, though, there is no room for judgement onto others in our life, it's too simple, too free to place the ropes of own restrictions onto them. Who am I to say you can or cannot be the way you are. Unless... of course, I am causing some sort of true conflict that endangers your well being, or you to mine. Then there is a problem. Does not everyone have the same right to live, without cause of danger, whether physical or mental? If only the world were that way. If only. But, it's not. This is reality. A shame, in many cases, I wish that people would remove their glasses and allow people to be free. Truly free, where it does not matter what your ethnic background is, what your prefered sexual taste may be, what color you bleed or any other ridiculous reason people come up with to hate someone. Remove the ignorance from your mind, understand others as they should understand you, feel the freedom overtake your soul, bless yourself with knowledge, equality. Take a moment, breathe, consider the possibilities the truth may bring. A truth so pure that it cannot be denied. Does it exist? I have no idea. I'd like to think so, but then again, I am full of ideas, most, no one understands. I have come to accept this. Sometimes, I try to explain my thoughts to others, my philosphy, but it seems that though it is so simple in my mind, the concept is extremly difficult to grasp. I believe it comes from the social standards in which we have been raised, however. If you were given a chance to face your fears, to defeat them all, one by one, one step at a time, would you take it? You can. It's you that holds that power. It's you that can push through those limitations that you unknowingly have placed upon yourself. It is you that must make the choice to defeat your own demons. One step at a time. What a thought, wouldn't you say? I would.. and I just did.
What do you think?
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Eyes closed with whispering lips
Current mood: calm
I close my eyes and I see you. I miss you so much that my mind cannot stop wandering into the dreams I constantly have of us being together. Our lives finally joining together. Yet, for all I know it may never happen. Tears stroll down my face, both in happiness and sadness. Happy that I am blessed to have you in my life, filling my heart with so much joy, but sad that I am not with you, by your side, where I hope to eventually be. I do not know where we will be tomorrow, but I so desperatly want even a little time with you. Just a moment where our worlds can unite and we spin in on each other, laughing and in love, holding each other, just us, just for that moment. Our hearts beat together, we smile, and we stare into each others souls.
I miss you so much. I love you so much. I sleep at night, imagining myself with you, as lovers would lay, sleeping calmly in each others arms. A dream, yet so true, a piece of my reality that may pass. One can hope. One can wish, one can pray, even if they are not religious. One can focus all of the energy within himself on a single moment, for just the chance, that perfect timing that everything will come together, and you, and you... and I will become us, again, our souls finally join together, pressing each other and dancing like long lost friends who know each other with such a deep understanding that nothing else matters.
One can dream. Tomorrow, tomorrow...things may change, but within the dream, the fantasy world, you will always be there, and if all should go as planned, you will be in the real too.
Until that day, however, I shall keep stepping in that right direction, building myself, preparing for that day, a day of beauty, where love and passion collide into an amazing array of energy, spreading its velupcious wings through the heavens. And it will be You who is She, and I, and we will be Us.
I close my eyes and I see you. I miss you so much that my mind cannot stop wandering into the dreams I constantly have of us being together. Our lives finally joining together. Yet, for all I know it may never happen. Tears stroll down my face, both in happiness and sadness. Happy that I am blessed to have you in my life, filling my heart with so much joy, but sad that I am not with you, by your side, where I hope to eventually be. I do not know where we will be tomorrow, but I so desperatly want even a little time with you. Just a moment where our worlds can unite and we spin in on each other, laughing and in love, holding each other, just us, just for that moment. Our hearts beat together, we smile, and we stare into each others souls.
I miss you so much. I love you so much. I sleep at night, imagining myself with you, as lovers would lay, sleeping calmly in each others arms. A dream, yet so true, a piece of my reality that may pass. One can hope. One can wish, one can pray, even if they are not religious. One can focus all of the energy within himself on a single moment, for just the chance, that perfect timing that everything will come together, and you, and you... and I will become us, again, our souls finally join together, pressing each other and dancing like long lost friends who know each other with such a deep understanding that nothing else matters.
One can dream. Tomorrow, tomorrow...things may change, but within the dream, the fantasy world, you will always be there, and if all should go as planned, you will be in the real too.
Until that day, however, I shall keep stepping in that right direction, building myself, preparing for that day, a day of beauty, where love and passion collide into an amazing array of energy, spreading its velupcious wings through the heavens. And it will be You who is She, and I, and we will be Us.
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
Swift Travel
So I am moving. Yep. I am finally getting away from the small town and going down state to a slightly larger city. One of at least noticable size. I will miss the bay and the rolling hills of green trees blowing in the wind, but I can always come back here if I want to. I am pretty excited, I got a new job that I think is going to be a good first step in a new direction, which i have been wanting to do for awhile. I move friday.
I have been feeling a bit lonely lately though. Mostly because I have not spoken to my girlfriend much and I am not sure what is going on. Last I heard she was doing okay but still sickly, so I can only hope that she is getting better and that I will hear from her soon. I was hoping to talk to her before I moved, but I am not sure if I will get to. One can always hope. :)
I need to start packing some more, and it's getting late, so I am off!
I have been feeling a bit lonely lately though. Mostly because I have not spoken to my girlfriend much and I am not sure what is going on. Last I heard she was doing okay but still sickly, so I can only hope that she is getting better and that I will hear from her soon. I was hoping to talk to her before I moved, but I am not sure if I will get to. One can always hope. :)
I need to start packing some more, and it's getting late, so I am off!
Friday, August 31, 2007
Todays
Current mood: calm
it's interesting how things change from day to day. The conversation with my friend was good and all is well now. We discussed many things and have become better friends because of it. On another note, another friend, an ex-from oh a bit ago, if you back track a bit in the archives you will find the one in which I speak of, confinded in me something I doubt she has told many people. I will not be so rude to blabber about it here either, but it was interesting. All of it is interesting, is it not? Things we do not know, think we know that are not true, the secrets we keep from each other. What's the point? I don't know. Then again, there are so many things I do not know, how can I ever be sure I actually know anything? Hmmm...
Have you ever met someone that you could tell was just plain evil? There soul was drained of the very substance of what actual love is, and they do whatever they can to destroy any bit of happiness around them because that is all they know? Me niether... but I have a very strong inclination that I will be in the next few years. Tis a bit bothersome, but I have heard stories of such a person, perhaps I should say being because I have a hard time grasping that something like that is completely human. A shroud of darkness following them around like some poisonous cloud, and here... I am told by some of my most trusted friends that trying to resist is pointless because it cannot be done. At least, no one has ever done it. But... as the saying goes... there is a first time for evertyhing. We'll see what happens. Silly dreams, and such things of the mind.
I've begun looking for a new job again. The one I got that I was so excited about has turned out to not be giving me a whole lot of hours, which means I can't even pay my bills, which obviously is putting me in a bit of a jam, which is not good. Not good is bad, which none of us want, right? Well okay then, you get the situation. Let alone my class is actually hard this time, so I have to focus on that and try to get my head on straight.
There could be worse things going on though. I will just stay thankful for what I do have, happy with what I am going for, and smile because I do have friends and loved ones who are there for me. Prayers prepared, the road ahead will not be easy, but alas... it must be done... again.
it's interesting how things change from day to day. The conversation with my friend was good and all is well now. We discussed many things and have become better friends because of it. On another note, another friend, an ex-from oh a bit ago, if you back track a bit in the archives you will find the one in which I speak of, confinded in me something I doubt she has told many people. I will not be so rude to blabber about it here either, but it was interesting. All of it is interesting, is it not? Things we do not know, think we know that are not true, the secrets we keep from each other. What's the point? I don't know. Then again, there are so many things I do not know, how can I ever be sure I actually know anything? Hmmm...
Have you ever met someone that you could tell was just plain evil? There soul was drained of the very substance of what actual love is, and they do whatever they can to destroy any bit of happiness around them because that is all they know? Me niether... but I have a very strong inclination that I will be in the next few years. Tis a bit bothersome, but I have heard stories of such a person, perhaps I should say being because I have a hard time grasping that something like that is completely human. A shroud of darkness following them around like some poisonous cloud, and here... I am told by some of my most trusted friends that trying to resist is pointless because it cannot be done. At least, no one has ever done it. But... as the saying goes... there is a first time for evertyhing. We'll see what happens. Silly dreams, and such things of the mind.
I've begun looking for a new job again. The one I got that I was so excited about has turned out to not be giving me a whole lot of hours, which means I can't even pay my bills, which obviously is putting me in a bit of a jam, which is not good. Not good is bad, which none of us want, right? Well okay then, you get the situation. Let alone my class is actually hard this time, so I have to focus on that and try to get my head on straight.
There could be worse things going on though. I will just stay thankful for what I do have, happy with what I am going for, and smile because I do have friends and loved ones who are there for me. Prayers prepared, the road ahead will not be easy, but alas... it must be done... again.
Saturday, August 25, 2007
The Tides Of A Lonely Warrior
Current mood: calm
The sun warms my skin and a very gentle breeze blows across me, making my hair wisp back and forth slightly as the sounds of the russeling leaves fill my ears. In that, I do find a calm, a peace. It's a place that I can think a little more clearly, try to regain some focus that I have lost in the last month or so. I have. Everything seems so far away again and I became really stressed. I miss my girlfriend, we have not spoken much in the last few weeks, for whatever reasons, but I hope she is feeling better.
After my last post, venting about my friend who made me mad, I decided to speak to him again. I did not feel it was right to just throw him out of my life without at least telling him what, why, and all that. I talked to him earlier today, just enough to say we needed to talk and that I had some stuff to say he may not want to hear. He will be coming here in a bit so that I can tell him face to face and discuss it. we'll see what happens.
I have an editor finally. We'll see what comes of my writing now, hehe. I'm excited for her opinions and suggestions though, I think she will be helpful.
I did finish Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, too. It was quite good. I would suggest it to anyone who likes the series, though I am sure anyone who likes the series has already read it, or plans to. hehe. She did very well with it though, I was not disappointed.
I'm going to head back outside and enjoy the warmth of the sun for a bit longer and listen to the whispers of the wind, though I never understand what it says, hehe :)
The sun warms my skin and a very gentle breeze blows across me, making my hair wisp back and forth slightly as the sounds of the russeling leaves fill my ears. In that, I do find a calm, a peace. It's a place that I can think a little more clearly, try to regain some focus that I have lost in the last month or so. I have. Everything seems so far away again and I became really stressed. I miss my girlfriend, we have not spoken much in the last few weeks, for whatever reasons, but I hope she is feeling better.
After my last post, venting about my friend who made me mad, I decided to speak to him again. I did not feel it was right to just throw him out of my life without at least telling him what, why, and all that. I talked to him earlier today, just enough to say we needed to talk and that I had some stuff to say he may not want to hear. He will be coming here in a bit so that I can tell him face to face and discuss it. we'll see what happens.
I have an editor finally. We'll see what comes of my writing now, hehe. I'm excited for her opinions and suggestions though, I think she will be helpful.
I did finish Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, too. It was quite good. I would suggest it to anyone who likes the series, though I am sure anyone who likes the series has already read it, or plans to. hehe. She did very well with it though, I was not disappointed.
I'm going to head back outside and enjoy the warmth of the sun for a bit longer and listen to the whispers of the wind, though I never understand what it says, hehe :)
Monday, August 13, 2007
Take a Cookie
Current mood: aggravated
Yesterday was an interesting day. I was not looking forward to the first part of it as I was going to a family picnic, which is to say, it's basically a family reunion. However, within this usually unhappy time for myself I found myself a little bit happier than expected and more than I have been lately. It has been a long while since I have been around so many family members and did not feel out of place or embarrassed. I know that sounds terrible, but for a long time I distanced myself from them for my own personal reasons, which I now realize was rather silly. I realized... they are people, just like me, like you, like everyone else I know and they all have their stories and their memories and it is all very interesting. I walk this part of life and was thankful for them in my life for the first time in as far as I can remember. It was good to see them, truly.
Oddly enough, the part I was looking forward to I did not find as much gratification in. I was meeting up with some 'friends' to have a bonfire like we used to do back in the day and I was pretty excited. I was waiting impatiently for them to eventually show up and they did finally. It had been about a year since I saw them, so I was sure it would be a good time. Anyway, we got the fire started and started talking a little chit chat here and there. One of them asked about my new job so I started talking about that, and then one way or another I started talking about my daughter and he made some sly comment about "Oh so we got the paperwork done and we know she is yours then?" I didn't laugh. I have been down that road with him so many times now and I would have expected after a year that he would accept it as the truth, but apparently I was wrong. I simply replied, "I have no reason to doubt it," and I moved on with the conversation even though it pissed me off. I've come to expect these types of things from him, so it was not a huge surprise, though still a bit disappointing.
From there, or maybe it was before this, I don't recall exactly, but I started talking about my current girlfriend and I told them that she had cancer and may not be around much longer. The same one from before laughed and said, "Boy you sure know how to pick them." This is where I envisioned myself stepping across the fire and punching him square in the face and then told him to get the fuck out of my yard. I didn't though. It took a lot for me to hold myself back, I was completely offended and appauled. I relapsed into thinking, "Did he just laugh and make a joke out of my girlfriend possibly dying?" I was then really pissed. REALLY pissed. How tacky, how rude, how...I don't know, but it showed me that they really do not care about my life and what is important to me. At least he doesn't. None, zero, zilch, nada. Now maybe it is because he hasn't had a girlfriend in so long that he has desensitzed himself from what it might be like, I don't really know. I think it was good for me to sit there and listen to them talk, listen to their troubles and the stuff they have been going through the last 6 months to a year, and normally I wouldn't have a problem with that, but for once, I needed a friend, I needed someone to listen and instead I got sarcasm and sly remarks and it was so clear that they, or he, did not care.
So, I sit here today, pretty upset, shocked, hurt, angry... furious that this happened. I'm really not so sure that I can call this person friend anymore. Not like this, not after that. And for anyone, ANYONE who thinks this is funny, you can take the handle of a plunger and go sit on it.
So there's your cookie.
Yesterday was an interesting day. I was not looking forward to the first part of it as I was going to a family picnic, which is to say, it's basically a family reunion. However, within this usually unhappy time for myself I found myself a little bit happier than expected and more than I have been lately. It has been a long while since I have been around so many family members and did not feel out of place or embarrassed. I know that sounds terrible, but for a long time I distanced myself from them for my own personal reasons, which I now realize was rather silly. I realized... they are people, just like me, like you, like everyone else I know and they all have their stories and their memories and it is all very interesting. I walk this part of life and was thankful for them in my life for the first time in as far as I can remember. It was good to see them, truly.
Oddly enough, the part I was looking forward to I did not find as much gratification in. I was meeting up with some 'friends' to have a bonfire like we used to do back in the day and I was pretty excited. I was waiting impatiently for them to eventually show up and they did finally. It had been about a year since I saw them, so I was sure it would be a good time. Anyway, we got the fire started and started talking a little chit chat here and there. One of them asked about my new job so I started talking about that, and then one way or another I started talking about my daughter and he made some sly comment about "Oh so we got the paperwork done and we know she is yours then?" I didn't laugh. I have been down that road with him so many times now and I would have expected after a year that he would accept it as the truth, but apparently I was wrong. I simply replied, "I have no reason to doubt it," and I moved on with the conversation even though it pissed me off. I've come to expect these types of things from him, so it was not a huge surprise, though still a bit disappointing.
From there, or maybe it was before this, I don't recall exactly, but I started talking about my current girlfriend and I told them that she had cancer and may not be around much longer. The same one from before laughed and said, "Boy you sure know how to pick them." This is where I envisioned myself stepping across the fire and punching him square in the face and then told him to get the fuck out of my yard. I didn't though. It took a lot for me to hold myself back, I was completely offended and appauled. I relapsed into thinking, "Did he just laugh and make a joke out of my girlfriend possibly dying?" I was then really pissed. REALLY pissed. How tacky, how rude, how...I don't know, but it showed me that they really do not care about my life and what is important to me. At least he doesn't. None, zero, zilch, nada. Now maybe it is because he hasn't had a girlfriend in so long that he has desensitzed himself from what it might be like, I don't really know. I think it was good for me to sit there and listen to them talk, listen to their troubles and the stuff they have been going through the last 6 months to a year, and normally I wouldn't have a problem with that, but for once, I needed a friend, I needed someone to listen and instead I got sarcasm and sly remarks and it was so clear that they, or he, did not care.
So, I sit here today, pretty upset, shocked, hurt, angry... furious that this happened. I'm really not so sure that I can call this person friend anymore. Not like this, not after that. And for anyone, ANYONE who thinks this is funny, you can take the handle of a plunger and go sit on it.
So there's your cookie.
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
9 Months
Current mood: melancholy
I sit here.. eyes watering, my throat tight and parched. She was told she only has nine months left to live in her life. 9 months...less than a year. how do I react? What do I do? What can I do? She is so far away and I cannot even be there for her like she needs me to be. This is beyond hard. My stomach turns in knots thinking about it. I try to hold onto hope, I have to. I love her, can she really be gone forever that soon? My mind spins into so many thoughts of what, why, how... so many things, so much we have not done together yet.
She has kids, too. What will they do? What can they do? It just isn't right. It cannot be. I know they say life isn't fair... but what the hell is this? Not fair is an understatement. I feel so dumb. She told me and I didnt realize she was being serious. How the hell could I think otherwise? Ugh.
I want to go there, be there, pick her up in my arms, hug her, kiss her, tell her how much I love her and let her know that I am there for her. Look into her eyes and show her, whispering it into her ear. And yet... I am too far away to do any of that.
And since I was jobless for about a month I have little to no money at the moment so I can't even get there, yet. I will though. I must. I have to. She needs to me... and I want to be there for her. No matter what the final result will be, it doesn't matter, I love her, so much.
These tears are a mix of emotions... sadness, concern, fear, distress. So much feeling, so many thoughts, so many questions. All I want to do is be there and love her... is that so much to ask? Ugh.
I sit here.. eyes watering, my throat tight and parched. She was told she only has nine months left to live in her life. 9 months...less than a year. how do I react? What do I do? What can I do? She is so far away and I cannot even be there for her like she needs me to be. This is beyond hard. My stomach turns in knots thinking about it. I try to hold onto hope, I have to. I love her, can she really be gone forever that soon? My mind spins into so many thoughts of what, why, how... so many things, so much we have not done together yet.
She has kids, too. What will they do? What can they do? It just isn't right. It cannot be. I know they say life isn't fair... but what the hell is this? Not fair is an understatement. I feel so dumb. She told me and I didnt realize she was being serious. How the hell could I think otherwise? Ugh.
I want to go there, be there, pick her up in my arms, hug her, kiss her, tell her how much I love her and let her know that I am there for her. Look into her eyes and show her, whispering it into her ear. And yet... I am too far away to do any of that.
And since I was jobless for about a month I have little to no money at the moment so I can't even get there, yet. I will though. I must. I have to. She needs to me... and I want to be there for her. No matter what the final result will be, it doesn't matter, I love her, so much.
These tears are a mix of emotions... sadness, concern, fear, distress. So much feeling, so many thoughts, so many questions. All I want to do is be there and love her... is that so much to ask? Ugh.
Thursday, August 2, 2007
Goodie Gumdrops
Current mood: chipper
I thought I'd drop by with a quick hello!
I enjoy my new job, hurray! So far it's been a great starting week, so I am happy. Next week should be interesting because I have to do twice as much as I did this week, but I won't be in training anymore either, well for the most part, so I should be able to do it without many complications. (I hope).
I haven't had much of a chance to read this book still and it is bothering me because I want to finish it. I'll have to find some time I suppose. :)
I will get back to my writing soon. I will be an author yet, I tell you. Well I guess I could technically be called one already (maybe?), but I will be published ! :D
Anyway, I must be off to work again. *vanish*
I thought I'd drop by with a quick hello!
I enjoy my new job, hurray! So far it's been a great starting week, so I am happy. Next week should be interesting because I have to do twice as much as I did this week, but I won't be in training anymore either, well for the most part, so I should be able to do it without many complications. (I hope).
I haven't had much of a chance to read this book still and it is bothering me because I want to finish it. I'll have to find some time I suppose. :)
I will get back to my writing soon. I will be an author yet, I tell you. Well I guess I could technically be called one already (maybe?), but I will be published ! :D
Anyway, I must be off to work again. *vanish*
Monday, July 30, 2007
Beginning of an End
Current mood: calm
Tomorrow I start my new job. woo hooo. I'm excited. it should be fun, I should be in bed probably too. lol. I'm going to go soon.
I've been reading this book, but so slow compared to what I should be, "Jupiter's bones." It's pretty good, and well written. I enjoy it, but pretty busy lately with trying to get the job and all so I haven't had much of a chance to do it very much.
About all I have written is squiggley lines in the last week. My mind has a lot on it, so I will just let it seep out as it wants to I guess. Anyway, Off I go...
Tomorrow I start my new job. woo hooo. I'm excited. it should be fun, I should be in bed probably too. lol. I'm going to go soon.
I've been reading this book, but so slow compared to what I should be, "Jupiter's bones." It's pretty good, and well written. I enjoy it, but pretty busy lately with trying to get the job and all so I haven't had much of a chance to do it very much.
About all I have written is squiggley lines in the last week. My mind has a lot on it, so I will just let it seep out as it wants to I guess. Anyway, Off I go...
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Wholesome Bits
Current mood: cheerful
Well, I got a job. Hurray. It's as a graphic designer too, go figure. My degree is finally coming in handy. hah. I'm happy, excited, and all that mumbo jumbo. :) A 50gallon jug was just removed from my shoulders. Yeah!
I finally went to the movies. There are a ton of movies out right now I would love to go see, but I haven't gone in a long time. I won't be until i get paid again either. BUT, I went and saw Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. I loved it. It was fabulous. I think it was my favorite Harry Potter movie yet. I won't say too much just in case some of you who want to see it haven't yet. I just really liked it. :) Granted it didn't follow the book exactly, but it still had all the important pieces, in my opinion.
I haven't read the latest Harry Potter book yet though. I will probably buy it when I get paid for the first time. Yes, it's true, I am a Harry Potter geek. I admit it. They are just so well written and entertaining. hehe. I love them. I do. And Please don't tell me the ending of the last book. lol.
Another good note, now that I have a job I'll be able to work on my writing again a lot more often.
I also went skating today and it hurt. I went with my brother up to where we used to train and did some laps and some hill training. Holy hell am I sore. I can't believe how good of shape I used to be in! It's CRAZY. Worse... I can't believe how out of shape I have gotten. haha. It's fun though and brought back some great memories. It's been a long time, but I enjoy it a lot. Looking forward to the next time. Might be tomorrow, might be the day after. Who knows, we didn't discuss that... though we did discuss many other topics of interest today. Some future plans of his that I guess he wants my thoughts on, and stuff like that. It was a good time.
Well, I got a job. Hurray. It's as a graphic designer too, go figure. My degree is finally coming in handy. hah. I'm happy, excited, and all that mumbo jumbo. :) A 50gallon jug was just removed from my shoulders. Yeah!
I finally went to the movies. There are a ton of movies out right now I would love to go see, but I haven't gone in a long time. I won't be until i get paid again either. BUT, I went and saw Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. I loved it. It was fabulous. I think it was my favorite Harry Potter movie yet. I won't say too much just in case some of you who want to see it haven't yet. I just really liked it. :) Granted it didn't follow the book exactly, but it still had all the important pieces, in my opinion.
I haven't read the latest Harry Potter book yet though. I will probably buy it when I get paid for the first time. Yes, it's true, I am a Harry Potter geek. I admit it. They are just so well written and entertaining. hehe. I love them. I do. And Please don't tell me the ending of the last book. lol.
Another good note, now that I have a job I'll be able to work on my writing again a lot more often.
I also went skating today and it hurt. I went with my brother up to where we used to train and did some laps and some hill training. Holy hell am I sore. I can't believe how good of shape I used to be in! It's CRAZY. Worse... I can't believe how out of shape I have gotten. haha. It's fun though and brought back some great memories. It's been a long time, but I enjoy it a lot. Looking forward to the next time. Might be tomorrow, might be the day after. Who knows, we didn't discuss that... though we did discuss many other topics of interest today. Some future plans of his that I guess he wants my thoughts on, and stuff like that. It was a good time.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
When it rains.. it's acid and it burns....
Been sitting here most of the day filling out the same information over and over and over. It has made my mind almost stop functioning. It is mind numbing. Really... my mind feels like Jelloooooo... or maybe Marshmallows. Either way.. squishy and gooey. Oh wait, it's probably like that anyway. hah.
I did really well on my paper for class last week though. I got a 100%, which is pretty good, I'd say. I'm quite happy about it. Especially since I had a hard time writing it with all the crap going on inside of my head lately. It was difficult to sort it out so that I could type a coherent sentence. But... apparently it worked out in the end.
Why is like... everytime one bad thing happens another seems to pop up right after? One of my oldest friends, someone I have been extremly close with is now suddenly pushing me away as I am trying to be closer. It seems like anything I do just makes it worse and I really cannot grasp what the hell is going on. It is extremly frustrating. I just... don't.... get... it.....
My mind is really going numb. Lost your job, lose your girlfriend, lose one of your closest friends... lose your mind. Yeah... that sounds about right. Do you work through it? Of course... but the question is... does it work? Apparently not.
I did really well on my paper for class last week though. I got a 100%, which is pretty good, I'd say. I'm quite happy about it. Especially since I had a hard time writing it with all the crap going on inside of my head lately. It was difficult to sort it out so that I could type a coherent sentence. But... apparently it worked out in the end.
Why is like... everytime one bad thing happens another seems to pop up right after? One of my oldest friends, someone I have been extremly close with is now suddenly pushing me away as I am trying to be closer. It seems like anything I do just makes it worse and I really cannot grasp what the hell is going on. It is extremly frustrating. I just... don't.... get... it.....
My mind is really going numb. Lost your job, lose your girlfriend, lose one of your closest friends... lose your mind. Yeah... that sounds about right. Do you work through it? Of course... but the question is... does it work? Apparently not.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Frigid Chalk
Sooo, I lose my job. How much does that suck? A lot. Over something ridiculous too. So now, you got it, I must go find a job... again. Anyone hiring? Hah. Well at least I worked there for 8 months almost, so that is good at least. Anyway, I have been sending out resumes and stuff already, so we'll see what happens.
During all of this I forgot I was in school. I know that sounds really crazy, but my classes are all online, so I don't have to physically go anywhere. Luckily, I remembered before the week was up and turned in my work, but I did miss some particpation points, which sucks. Only a few of them though, so it shouldn't kill me.
Then of course, there is my writing. I was hoping to work on it quite a bit more, but now that I have to try to find a new job, I don't really have much time at the moment. Such is life I suppose. Just when evertyhing seemed to be going so well too. I think I'm going to have to force some time in for it. I really don't want to stop working on it too much!
During all of this I forgot I was in school. I know that sounds really crazy, but my classes are all online, so I don't have to physically go anywhere. Luckily, I remembered before the week was up and turned in my work, but I did miss some particpation points, which sucks. Only a few of them though, so it shouldn't kill me.
Then of course, there is my writing. I was hoping to work on it quite a bit more, but now that I have to try to find a new job, I don't really have much time at the moment. Such is life I suppose. Just when evertyhing seemed to be going so well too. I think I'm going to have to force some time in for it. I really don't want to stop working on it too much!
Saturday, July 14, 2007
Released
Current mood: ecstatic
I am in the best mood ever. I thought I would share a little poem.(Written by me of course )
Released
I see you there...
Flying High,
Freely passing me by,
Beautiful...serene...
A gift to be seen,
Truly.
These shackles have held me long,
No matter how hard I fought,
They were just too strong,
Deeply cutting,
Me.
I see you there...
Flying High,
Freely passing me by,
Beautiful...serene...
A gift to be seen,
Truly.
My heart yearns for you...
The freedom you possess.
Surely, this must be another test.
I reach up towards you,
The chains stay still.
I see you there...
Flying High,
Freely passing me by,
Beautiful...serene...
A gift to be seen,
Truly.
I struggle...
The pain burns deep...
Of the past.
It all went by so fast,
A blur
I do not remember.
I see you there...
Flying High,
Freely passing me by,
Beautiful...serene...
A gift to be seen,
Truly.
You land before me
And Transform
Take me somewhere...
Not the Norm.
The shackles loosen at your touch,
My feet are set free.
Our lips unite with a blazing passion,
The past quickly becomes forgotten
On a whim.
As we begin to take flight,
Freely passing other by...
A smile with a joyous cry,
I love you.
I am in the best mood ever. I thought I would share a little poem.(Written by me of course )
Released
I see you there...
Flying High,
Freely passing me by,
Beautiful...serene...
A gift to be seen,
Truly.
These shackles have held me long,
No matter how hard I fought,
They were just too strong,
Deeply cutting,
Me.
I see you there...
Flying High,
Freely passing me by,
Beautiful...serene...
A gift to be seen,
Truly.
My heart yearns for you...
The freedom you possess.
Surely, this must be another test.
I reach up towards you,
The chains stay still.
I see you there...
Flying High,
Freely passing me by,
Beautiful...serene...
A gift to be seen,
Truly.
I struggle...
The pain burns deep...
Of the past.
It all went by so fast,
A blur
I do not remember.
I see you there...
Flying High,
Freely passing me by,
Beautiful...serene...
A gift to be seen,
Truly.
You land before me
And Transform
Take me somewhere...
Not the Norm.
The shackles loosen at your touch,
My feet are set free.
Our lips unite with a blazing passion,
The past quickly becomes forgotten
On a whim.
As we begin to take flight,
Freely passing other by...
A smile with a joyous cry,
I love you.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Solidifying The Self
Current mood: cheerful
The weather keeps changing today. I can't figure out if it's sunny or cloudy because every other time I look out the window it looks different. The temperature dropped quite a bit today, but at least it hasn't been raining.
I finally did something I should have done a long time ago. I went to the library and got a library card. I never really made it around to that side of town very often, but I finally decided to make a point in doing it. Besides, I keep running out of books to read and I can get more there for free. Seems like a good deal to me. My intentions is to start reading some books I wouldn't normally read, which means anything but fantasy for the most part. I've read other genres, of course, but I don't usually go around looking for them. So, I got myself a book called "Jupiter's Bones" by Faye Kellerman. So far it is pretty good. Feel free to give me some suggestions on some reading material if you know a good book. :)
I know some of you might be wondering why I always talk about my writing but never have any available to for you to read(except the few times my brain leaks into the blog and puts some poems or something odd on the page). Well, I am working on that. I actually have an entire new site being built that is dedicated to my writing only. It will include short stories, poems, and information about the books I have written. The web address is www.wordsofmylife.com
I hope those of you who wish to read some of my writing will go there and check it out when it is ready! I'll make an official announcement when it is complete, but for now I thought I'd plant the bug in your ear!
Speaking of writing, I have a few pieces that I haven't completed yet. Sometimes I start and life just gets in the way and I have to come back later. Then sometimes when I should go back to it another story pops into my head and I work on that instead. Hah.
I went skating again and it was nice. I managed to get an upgrade to my skates (which I needed badly) from my brother and we went out. It doesn't hurt nearly as bad as it did the first time. At least I can walk afterwards now. I can even lift my foot high enough to put my foot n the break or the gas pedal. Even better yet, I can actually go faster and it feels good to finally get out and feel the wind on my face again. If only those 50 foot long wooden bridges were a little bit less bumpy so I could keep going with almost falling on my face....
I also started training in martial arts again. Or Kickboxing, whichever you care to call what I do. It doesn't matter to me. Correcting my sloppy form from slacking is not so fun, but at least I know how to do it.
It's coming together though. All of it. Everything. Myself. Like a chaotic mess suddenly coming together and forming something imperfect and beautiful. Life, that is. Gotta love it. :)
The weather keeps changing today. I can't figure out if it's sunny or cloudy because every other time I look out the window it looks different. The temperature dropped quite a bit today, but at least it hasn't been raining.
I finally did something I should have done a long time ago. I went to the library and got a library card. I never really made it around to that side of town very often, but I finally decided to make a point in doing it. Besides, I keep running out of books to read and I can get more there for free. Seems like a good deal to me. My intentions is to start reading some books I wouldn't normally read, which means anything but fantasy for the most part. I've read other genres, of course, but I don't usually go around looking for them. So, I got myself a book called "Jupiter's Bones" by Faye Kellerman. So far it is pretty good. Feel free to give me some suggestions on some reading material if you know a good book. :)
I know some of you might be wondering why I always talk about my writing but never have any available to for you to read(except the few times my brain leaks into the blog and puts some poems or something odd on the page). Well, I am working on that. I actually have an entire new site being built that is dedicated to my writing only. It will include short stories, poems, and information about the books I have written. The web address is www.wordsofmylife.com
I hope those of you who wish to read some of my writing will go there and check it out when it is ready! I'll make an official announcement when it is complete, but for now I thought I'd plant the bug in your ear!
Speaking of writing, I have a few pieces that I haven't completed yet. Sometimes I start and life just gets in the way and I have to come back later. Then sometimes when I should go back to it another story pops into my head and I work on that instead. Hah.
I went skating again and it was nice. I managed to get an upgrade to my skates (which I needed badly) from my brother and we went out. It doesn't hurt nearly as bad as it did the first time. At least I can walk afterwards now. I can even lift my foot high enough to put my foot n the break or the gas pedal. Even better yet, I can actually go faster and it feels good to finally get out and feel the wind on my face again. If only those 50 foot long wooden bridges were a little bit less bumpy so I could keep going with almost falling on my face....
I also started training in martial arts again. Or Kickboxing, whichever you care to call what I do. It doesn't matter to me. Correcting my sloppy form from slacking is not so fun, but at least I know how to do it.
It's coming together though. All of it. Everything. Myself. Like a chaotic mess suddenly coming together and forming something imperfect and beautiful. Life, that is. Gotta love it. :)
Monday, July 9, 2007
To There From Here
Current mood: calm
So, here is where I am at in my life. I can see clearly what is ahead of me, all of my goals and dreams laid out within my reach. I am, however, not happy with what I see around me. I am not happy being where I am right now, in my life, which sucks. Fortunately, I know I will not be staying here forever, as long as I can keep the steam going long enough to reach what I see ahead of me. It's all there.. every single thing I have always wanted... right in front of me... don't screw it up now, eh?
Kind of like that song by eminem, "Lose Yourself." If you haven't heard it, you should. :)
It's time to get it done. Let's do this.
So, here is where I am at in my life. I can see clearly what is ahead of me, all of my goals and dreams laid out within my reach. I am, however, not happy with what I see around me. I am not happy being where I am right now, in my life, which sucks. Fortunately, I know I will not be staying here forever, as long as I can keep the steam going long enough to reach what I see ahead of me. It's all there.. every single thing I have always wanted... right in front of me... don't screw it up now, eh?
Kind of like that song by eminem, "Lose Yourself." If you haven't heard it, you should. :)
It's time to get it done. Let's do this.
Saturday, July 7, 2007
Interloping Eardrums
Pssst... over here. Shhh. They're listening.
Seems like everywhere I go anymore I have to watch what I say or it will come back and bite me because people like to take comments out of context. I don't really understand the thrill in taking what someone says and making it sound like they said something awful when they didn't. It's a little irritating. Just.. a tad. I mean, come on, grow the hell up. Seriously.
Yesterday was the first day I have done nothing with my writing in awhile. My eyes were starting to bleed from staring at the screen so long. (Not literally.. well kinda.) I just needed a break. I'll pick it back up today, and work on it some more tomorrow too. Although I do have to write my paper for school still and it's due on monday. Fortunately, I don't usually have any problems writing my research papers. That's one nice benefit of being a writer, stringing together comments and research is much easier to do (I think) than it is for a lot of people. Although I never really asked, so I just might be wrong. hah.
I've been talking to my girlfriend a lot lately. Learning a lot and of course, falling more in love with her with every new thing I learn. She seems to be with me too, which is obviously making me very happy. I've been in this little row boat (see just about every post in february on my main blog) before, believing in a long distance relationship just to find out that the person was not telling me the truth when I was about to show up at the doorstep for the first time. The difference this time, however, is I have known her for years, I believe it's four or five, to be more descriptive, and one thing I know is she is not full of shit. Never once to me, ever, in all of the years I have known her has she lied to me, mislead me, or tried to decieve me. (nor anyone else that I know of.) Sometimes I wish she would have because some stuff in the past has been hurtful, but unfortunately, it was also the truth, which is probably why it hurt so bad.
I have made quite a few mistakes in my past and one thing that irritates me endlessly is people who refuse to let me admit the mistakes and see that I did do them. Like, say, those people who are like, "Oh it was not your fault," and then try to put all the blame on someone else. HELLO! I fucked up, I know it, shit, let me take the brunt of the blame and hold it on my shoulders. It's okay, I most definitely learn from my mistakes... which it seems a lot people can't say.
chipper Seems like everywhere I go anymore I have to watch what I say or it will come back and bite me because people like to take comments out of context. I don't really understand the thrill in taking what someone says and making it sound like they said something awful when they didn't. It's a little irritating. Just.. a tad. I mean, come on, grow the hell up. Seriously.
Yesterday was the first day I have done nothing with my writing in awhile. My eyes were starting to bleed from staring at the screen so long. (Not literally.. well kinda.) I just needed a break. I'll pick it back up today, and work on it some more tomorrow too. Although I do have to write my paper for school still and it's due on monday. Fortunately, I don't usually have any problems writing my research papers. That's one nice benefit of being a writer, stringing together comments and research is much easier to do (I think) than it is for a lot of people. Although I never really asked, so I just might be wrong. hah.
I've been talking to my girlfriend a lot lately. Learning a lot and of course, falling more in love with her with every new thing I learn. She seems to be with me too, which is obviously making me very happy. I've been in this little row boat (see just about every post in february on my main blog) before, believing in a long distance relationship just to find out that the person was not telling me the truth when I was about to show up at the doorstep for the first time. The difference this time, however, is I have known her for years, I believe it's four or five, to be more descriptive, and one thing I know is she is not full of shit. Never once to me, ever, in all of the years I have known her has she lied to me, mislead me, or tried to decieve me. (nor anyone else that I know of.) Sometimes I wish she would have because some stuff in the past has been hurtful, but unfortunately, it was also the truth, which is probably why it hurt so bad.
I have made quite a few mistakes in my past and one thing that irritates me endlessly is people who refuse to let me admit the mistakes and see that I did do them. Like, say, those people who are like, "Oh it was not your fault," and then try to put all the blame on someone else. HELLO! I fucked up, I know it, shit, let me take the brunt of the blame and hold it on my shoulders. It's okay, I most definitely learn from my mistakes... which it seems a lot people can't say.
Thursday, July 5, 2007
Chump Change
I was bored earlier in the week, like a day ago to be specific, so I counted up some of the change I had been putting into a sack on my desk. I was amazed at how much I had saved by just throwing my change into the little baggy. Sooo, now I am paying my car insurance with it. Yep, it was that much. Haha. It makes me laugh just to think about it.
I did 4 chapters for my book yesterday, which made me quite happy too. It took me quite awhile, but it came out well. I'm getting really excited about all of this. I am going to give it everything I have because I have been wanting to be an author for a long long time, and right now, this just feels so right. Everything is pointing me in the direction to jump now and go go go. So.. I am.
I did 4 chapters for my book yesterday, which made me quite happy too. It took me quite awhile, but it came out well. I'm getting really excited about all of this. I am going to give it everything I have because I have been wanting to be an author for a long long time, and right now, this just feels so right. Everything is pointing me in the direction to jump now and go go go. So.. I am.
Wednesday, July 4, 2007
Uncle Kevin
Sooooo apparently my little brother's wife is in the hospital having her baby. That would make me an uncle, yep. I got home from work today and there was a message on the answering machine, though at the time she had not had the baby yet, but supposedly would sometime in the next few hours. (that was like 4-5 hours ago.)
I got myself up early today... I got 3.5 hours of sleep, roughly. woo hooo. Wasn't sure how much I would get to talk to my girlfriend since it's a holiday today, but she said if I get up earlier enough I would at least get to talk to her, therefore, I got up earlier than she mentioned. lol. It's hard sometimes, being so far away, so I do what I can to spend time with her when she is available.
I think I might do a little workout today too. Although I did some yesterday and my abs are stiff.. and my shoulders... and my legs. But, that's okay, it feels good, oddly enough. I've been working out for awhile now, and I am nt even sure if I have been losing wait, but I know I have certainly been getting stronger and my clothes seem to fit a little better now, lol. I take that as a good sign of change, if nothing else.
I think I'll work on my writing a little bit again today too. Yeah,that sounds good... as soon as my eyes focus and I am actually awake, of course...
I got myself up early today... I got 3.5 hours of sleep, roughly. woo hooo. Wasn't sure how much I would get to talk to my girlfriend since it's a holiday today, but she said if I get up earlier enough I would at least get to talk to her, therefore, I got up earlier than she mentioned. lol. It's hard sometimes, being so far away, so I do what I can to spend time with her when she is available.
I think I might do a little workout today too. Although I did some yesterday and my abs are stiff.. and my shoulders... and my legs. But, that's okay, it feels good, oddly enough. I've been working out for awhile now, and I am nt even sure if I have been losing wait, but I know I have certainly been getting stronger and my clothes seem to fit a little better now, lol. I take that as a good sign of change, if nothing else.
I think I'll work on my writing a little bit again today too. Yeah,that sounds good... as soon as my eyes focus and I am actually awake, of course...
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
Write some more to be an author to adore
write..write, and write some more, to be an author.. author...to adore. I hope. hah. Once I write, I must then edit, and edit.. and revise, and edit some more, and then check the formatting of the document to make sure it fits what is needed to be printed. Then of course, I have to cross reference my material with the other pieces of story to make sure that it all fits together like a perfectly completed puzzle by the end. Believe it or not, it's a lot of work to write a book... a novel, something that people will want to read and enjoy.
I'm a bit tired today, I actually just got up not too long ago because I didn't get off of work until 8am. The weather is not very good either. It isn't raining... yet, but it's looking like it will, which makes me sleepy. I have to do some more work on my book today before i head to work too, so that should be fun, you know, being groggy and all. Is groggy even a word? lol Well, whatever, either way, I'm not fully awake yet, because this is my early morning and I didn't have any coffee.
Speaking of something to drink though, I should go get some water to drink, I actually love water now adays. It's good, and as soon as i take my first drink of it I can feel my entire body relax. I used to drink Soda like crazy, and I mean a lot of it, but I barely drink any at all now. When I do have some it makes my body feel somewhat sickly and I kind of realized it is just kind of gross. BUT, like I said, I do still drink some anyway. :)
Anyway, I am off to get the water and go back to dreamland, and I don't mean sleep.. I mean my book. :)
I'm a bit tired today, I actually just got up not too long ago because I didn't get off of work until 8am. The weather is not very good either. It isn't raining... yet, but it's looking like it will, which makes me sleepy. I have to do some more work on my book today before i head to work too, so that should be fun, you know, being groggy and all. Is groggy even a word? lol Well, whatever, either way, I'm not fully awake yet, because this is my early morning and I didn't have any coffee.
Speaking of something to drink though, I should go get some water to drink, I actually love water now adays. It's good, and as soon as i take my first drink of it I can feel my entire body relax. I used to drink Soda like crazy, and I mean a lot of it, but I barely drink any at all now. When I do have some it makes my body feel somewhat sickly and I kind of realized it is just kind of gross. BUT, like I said, I do still drink some anyway. :)
Anyway, I am off to get the water and go back to dreamland, and I don't mean sleep.. I mean my book. :)
Getcha Moto Goin
Getcha Moto Goin Current mood: bouncy
I have discovered that I actually become more energetic during the night than I am during the day right now. That is probably because I work third shift so much. It kind of sucks, but what can I do, eh? Not much, right now at least.
I didn't get to work on my writing as much as I would have prefered today, but I guess you can't always get around to that stuff when you want to. I did spend hours talking with my absolutely magnificient girlfriend though, and I tell you, the more we talk the more I fall in love with her. She's spectacular. Tonight she surprised me with some goodies, and well.. I am was and still quite thankful. Hehe.
Anyway, i have a bit of editing to do with my book still, though mostly reformatting. It's rather torturous, but at the same time I love it. On a good note, I enjoy reading my book after not working on it for a year or so, which to me is a very good sign because it's like reading somene else's work now. I'm excited to get it completed. The book itself has been finished for quite awhile, and I am excited to start the second book for it too. I am really excited about a lot of stuff that is happening in my life right now, not just my book.
At some point, time still unknown, I will be moving in with my girlfriend. (It could be a month, it could be a year, who knows), but the thought makes me want to jump and cheer. haha. Same with my book, getting myself out there, preparing to throw something I have dreamed of doing out into the world.. scared that no one will like it, but at the same time confident that people will love it. It's a pretty big risk tossing my vision to the world and possibly everyone hating it. I am sure you can see why I might be nervous, after all, it is my first one.I spent a lot of time on it though, so we shall see. :)
I hope you all enjoy it as much as I enjoyed writing it! It will still be months before it is out anyway, so it should be a finely tuned machine by then, haha. :)
I have discovered that I actually become more energetic during the night than I am during the day right now. That is probably because I work third shift so much. It kind of sucks, but what can I do, eh? Not much, right now at least.
I didn't get to work on my writing as much as I would have prefered today, but I guess you can't always get around to that stuff when you want to. I did spend hours talking with my absolutely magnificient girlfriend though, and I tell you, the more we talk the more I fall in love with her. She's spectacular. Tonight she surprised me with some goodies, and well.. I am was and still quite thankful. Hehe.
Anyway, i have a bit of editing to do with my book still, though mostly reformatting. It's rather torturous, but at the same time I love it. On a good note, I enjoy reading my book after not working on it for a year or so, which to me is a very good sign because it's like reading somene else's work now. I'm excited to get it completed. The book itself has been finished for quite awhile, and I am excited to start the second book for it too. I am really excited about a lot of stuff that is happening in my life right now, not just my book.
At some point, time still unknown, I will be moving in with my girlfriend. (It could be a month, it could be a year, who knows), but the thought makes me want to jump and cheer. haha. Same with my book, getting myself out there, preparing to throw something I have dreamed of doing out into the world.. scared that no one will like it, but at the same time confident that people will love it. It's a pretty big risk tossing my vision to the world and possibly everyone hating it. I am sure you can see why I might be nervous, after all, it is my first one.I spent a lot of time on it though, so we shall see. :)
I hope you all enjoy it as much as I enjoyed writing it! It will still be months before it is out anyway, so it should be a finely tuned machine by then, haha. :)
Monday, July 2, 2007
My Brain Hurts!
Current mood: 
It doesn't help when the weather is crappy either, it will often make me moody, or cranky, especially when I am already feeling a bit stretched.
I did figure out that I talk in riddles half the time though, so it's no wonder that certain people can't understand what I am trying to say. The curse of a poet, maybe, who knows. Get myself tongue tied when trying to speak, and it comes out a lot like "gogoolgyl ahlaoolaaa." If you can comprehend that you deserve an award because I sure don't. :)
I should get myself some food... I've only had one small container of yogurt today, and that isn't much. I'm trying to lose my belly, so I am starting to eat different foods and smaller portions. We'll see how it goes in a month or two.
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